possibly i will be getting a vacation. when i say im going on a vacation..and it's obvious im not going anywhere with teh family. it means im checking in to a hospital. im not sure if i will or can yet. we cant afford me to go see a doctor yet. i woke up all cuddly this morning. had great morning sex. but as soon as sean woke up and i had to get up..i dunno soemthing always happens to me evryday lately. i just snap into ..isery. ithe cat accidently scratched me and i have no ratioonal i pick teh cat up by his trhoat and knock his skull into teh wall. ive never hurt animals before. im loosing it. i come down and see sean left out his playdo. i didnt see it last night it was behind his books and so its ruined..and i start bawling..like soemone just died. i mean choatic frenzied crying. i knock magnets off the fridge with my huge ass and i went wild! i need a break. i really am so frazzled. and i cry and cry and sleep and sleep. i'd say in honesty 84% of my day is either asleep or in tears. im trying to make an honest assesment too i don't think tahts very far off. of course im dry right now i have nothing to settle me down. i even ran out of teh vistril. im afraid im gonna relaly fly off the deep end and do soemthing aweful on impulse like i sometimes do when im like this. so hubby is asking about takling time off so i can go. that sucks.

he says fine if thats what i need. but.
it's not fair to him. and i juste remeber a few yrs ago. not that long ago it aseems to me. i remeber him saying i cant do this again when i last went in. dammit. i just want life to end./