Deviant Nation : Subculture : When The Anti-Choice Choose

i guess im the opposite, i always swore IF i got pregnant i would abort, largly because i'd been told it'd be unhealthy for me to give birth(and i we did almost both die so meh) , and well for alot of reasons, yet i made the appointment..and couldn't follow through when i was pregnant with sean, i think alot of what changed my mind was hormones, but some of it was that good ol catholic background rearing it's head. don't take this the wrong way, i love my son more than anything on earth, but often i wonder if i made the right decision. i think im a terrible mother, and i hate being a mother, i always had gender issues i didn't realize this would excerbate it, being a "mother" not a parent, disgusts me and makes me fell dead inside. i love being his parent but i hate being his mom. and i think i suck at it, no matter what my hubby and family and friends who know me and who know sean, i think im awful. and i am terrified what would happen if i lost my hubby somehow, im sure i couldn't cope and sean would find him self an orphan..but i love love love him and i dunno if i could go back in time..i'd probably do the same thing again. it's amazing to me how my catholic sensibility's that were instilled in me in childhood comes back to me sometimes, i find myself offended by stuff sometimes and go "wow wait im not catholic anymore why did that bother me?" i kinda see myself as a hypocrite. i detest people who say one thing and do another, but many of those story's..i just felt sad for the women. ...though a few could use a bitch slapping.