Probably been done somewhere here but haven't found it. So I'll ask again!
I used to believe whole heartedly in the Monogamous thing until I fell for another while still loving my wife. I felt really guilty about those feelings (I never cheated. so don't flame me on that!) until I told my wife and she was like yeah I know.....glad you have figured it out alllll onnn your little owwwwnnnn. She was Poly "familiar"" and we have since discussed opening up the relationship (SLOWLY!) but I was wondering how you all out there in Deviant land feel in relation to whether couples should be Monogamous or whether a more Poly or Ethical Sluthood suits you. And feel free to explain the "Why" you feel the way you do about it.
Tiger Wilson
"I've lost my quotes....where are my quotes"--Tiger Wilson
Since I'm feeling lazy today, I'm not gonna spend the hour it would take composing a response to this one. Instead, I'm just gonna cut and past the response I made on a friends MySpace journal not long ago. A good friend recently came to the conclusion rather late in life (she's in her late 40's now) that she is not only bi, but also poly. This was my response to her journal entry discolsing her discovery.
"Sounds like you're making a real journey of self-discovery love. Most people seem to think that a person should have themselves figured out by the time they get to be our age, but it's never too late to make that trip and I don't think anyone EVER really figures themselves out completely. Not until you reach the grave anyway. And by that time, it's all a moot point.
In a way, it almost sounds like we're in much the same boat. For myself, I've never much questioned my sexuality. Very briefly experimented once and found out pretty quickly that I was strictly hetero (which is NOT to be confused with being homophobic or prejudiced against the gay community). However, for the last nearly a decade, I've really been questioning a lot of things in my own life. Why I can't seem to make a fucking relationship work. Why, no matter how wonderful the person is I'm with, I end up being so unhappy. I still don't have many answers... I suspect I never will. But after discussing it with a close friend of mine who helped start my journey into the fetish community, she mentioned that maybe some people just cannot be happy in a monogamous relationship. Not that I'm saying people should have a different sexual partner every night of the week. Too many people use this whole argument as a flimsy excuse just to go out and FUCK whoever they want. Never bothering to discuss this with their at the time partner who ends up with an emotional black eye after getting that polyamorous sucker punch line guys so often use. That is NOT what being polyamorous is about. To me, it's about needing more than one partner because some people simply cannot have all their needs met by a single person. And by needs, I mean spiritual, social and emotional needs... not just sexual. Their is a certain freedom that comes with this acceptance that maybe you just cannot be happy with a relationship that is defined by the preset standards of the generations that came before yours... a relationship seemingly defined by any and everyone but YOURSELF!!! Then again, there is also a certain sadness that comes with it. It's not always easy to find people that share these feelings and needs. And while it might not seem like it, I too still suffer the remnants of being haunted by the traditional dream of the wife, kids, house with a dog and a white picket fence. When you come to the point where you're forced to shatter those dreams with the realization that those dreams can never make you truly happy, panic can set in. What do you dream for now, now that all the dreams that you thought were your own are no longer valid?
And then comes the other emotional struggle. Am I really poly? Or am I just using this as a bullshit excuse. Am I just taking the easy way out and claiming to be poly cause it's easier than trying to make a monogamous relationship work? The problems with journeys of self discovery is that, for me at least, they raise more questions than answers. Questions, as I said before, I suspect I will never have answers to."
There was a time when I would have agreed with your assesment that you are "weird". But that time is not now
Regarding the following: and I only ask as my wife and I are trying to determine OUR boundaries and rules to start with, without any real experience.
"So if I meet a cute girl and I get all hot and bothered, isn't it then my responsibility to be honest with myself and acknowledge that I might be interested in this person? Isn't it also my responsibility to respect my partner by honestly telling him my feelings whether or not I fool around with that girl? I think so."
Do you talk first then fool around or vice versa? Feel no "requirement" to answer if this is too personal a question I understand.
to each their own, i say.
in my own life, i am monogamous. my jealous streak is a mile wide so polyamoury would be a terrible thing for me.
When I was younger the thought of poly turned my stomach and made me think everyone who did these things were just sleazy people
Now I'd like to think my mind opened and I'm not such a jerk.
I think it is ridiculous to believe that all your emotional and physical needs can be met by one person. We all know that emotional needs are shared with our significant others, friends, family etc. However, we just can't seem to wrap our minds around the idea that our physical needs for closeness, intimacy, and sexuality can and should fall into this same category.
I admit that I can't be everything to my husband and it is cruel of me to think he can be everything in every-way to me. Those are some high damn standards for anyone.
Sometimes I just wanna be touched or held, sometimes I wanna talk, sometimes I just want to be in each others company, sometimes I want understanding about something my primary just doesn't get. Those are all levels of intimacy and loving and in my opinion all about what polyamory is.
