this has been a question that has boggled my mind for quite some time. my mom used to always tell me that family will always be there for me no matter what. and, whenever i had any doubts, she would remind me of the "pencils". allow me to explain:

hold a single pencil in your hands and try to break it. it breaks easily. this is supposed to represent you as a single person. now, take a bunch of pencils at the same time and try to do the same thing. not as easy to break, is it? this is supposed to represent you with family. a family that sticks together will not break as easily.

when i was younger, this was all the explaination i needed. of course, there was always the lingering question: everybody has a "bad seed" - someone who thinks outside the boundaries that are set for them by their family. what about their pencil?

as the years went by, i started to realize that I was, in fact, the bad seed of the family. my whole family is full of closed-minded catholics (excluding my parents). and, me being the one with the open mind in the bunch, they tend to dislike me.

for example, i have a cousin (herein referred to as "B" that most of my family can't stand, because he's spoiled and is always acting out. yet, nobody really understands why. he has an older sister with a severe heart condition (her first open-heart surgery was when she was just a few days old). so, it's normal for the mother and father to be giving her lots of attention. because she's getting way more attention than himself, B is acting out to try and get the same attention. and, because the sister was, and still is, given everything she ever wanted, B demands the same. BASIC PSYCHOLOGY, PEOPLE! HOW DOES MY FAMILY NOT SEE THIS?!?!

there are a lot of things i see in my family that i think is totally wrong, inappropriate, stupid or just plain ridiculous. it makes me think of the story of the pencils and ask "what if all the pencils are already broken except for a small few? or even so, what if you can't find the other pencils when they are really needed?"

so, where am i going with all of this? i happen to have a family that feeds off of drama, especially when it is within the family.

here's the short version: i said something to my cousin that was out of line. i immediately felt terrible about what i said and, being the big boy i am, i found him and apologized to him. of course, by this time, he had already talked to his sister about it - and she has a big mouth. she quickly told her parents, who then confronted me about it.

little do they realize i already felt terrible about what i said, and apologized to them. of course i knew they were expecting an apology themselves. and i KNOW they already told the entire family, who will also expects apologies. really? is that how it works? i offend one person... and apologize to that one person... but, now i have to say i'm sorry to every single person in the family? i didn't say it to you. i didn't even mean to say it to my cousin.

so, maybe it's not as much drama that they thrive on as much as it is much-unneeded and much-undeserved attention. my mom is one of four kids my grandmother had (two girls and two boys). each one of them fell into money when their father passed, except my mom. and, to this day, she is always apologizing to me for never having money and for being a horrible mother. but, the fact of the matter is, had i been born into money, i'd probably be just as bad as most of my cousins - spoiled and closed-minded. i mean, it's really hard for me to go to family get-togethers, because i'm ALWAYS afraid i'll say something that goes against everyone's beliefs and ideologies and i'll be painted a darker shade of ebony, being the black sheep that i am.

so... anyone want to adopt me?